#1

Recently, I read an article by Wil Wheaton regarding a speech he gave to NAMI.  It started like this: “My name is Wil Wheaton, and I have chronic depression.”

Oh, if it were only that simple for me.

Well, there’s a first time for everything, so hi readers, my name is Lauren Hase.  I have a wonderful husband who is a nurse for the Cleveland Clinic’s neurological medical-surgical floor.  I have supportive parents who are semi-retired and active world travelers.  I have a younger brother, who is a Tech Sergeant Select in the United States Air Force, stationed at Ramstein Air Force Base, Germany, who is also wonderful and supportive.  I have been a licensed attorney for six years, and I’m good at it.  My dream is to be a criminal prosecutor and eventually head up a division.  I graduated from University of Toledo for undergrad and law school with honors.  I love running and I have run five half marathons, and running the Boston Marathon is on my bucket list.  I run the Cleveland Turkey Trot every year.  I am a semi-decent artist and would love to sell my work one day.  I love scrapbooking and anything creative.  I apparently am a writer now too (albeit in the form of a blog).  I love animals.   I have four cats, Oscar, Shadow, Raven and Ace, who I love more than most people.  I volunteer every week at the shelter I rescued them from.  I want to rescue a male German shepherd as the first dog I ever own, and name him Smitty, after my grandpa’s shepherd-collie mix.  I love to read.  I am an adrenaline junkie, the higher and faster the roller coaster, the better.  I want to go skydiving one day.

All of these things about me are, in my opinion, more important that what I’m about to tell you.

My name is Lauren, and I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, obstructive sleep apnea, allergies that get worse by the year (including, in one of life’s great ironies, to cats), depression, and anxiety.

My husband and family might disagree that those things aren’t as important.  They might be right.  But I hate being defined by my health problems.  So none of those things are as important as my hopes and dreams, they’re just speed bumps on my way to a kick ass future.

Okay, that’s not entirely true.  They aren’t speed bumps.  They’re like anvils out of the Looney Tunes cartoons.  You just get moving and wham!  One (or three or five, depending) gets dropped directly on your head. 

I sincerely hope nobody reading this suffers from these illnesses, or any other chronic conditions.  I wouldn’t wish it on Adolf Hitler.  However, if you’re interested in reading this, you probably do.  So let me say that I am so sorry.  You don’t deserve this.  No one does.

The one thing I want anyone reading this to understand is, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind.  I have become very, very good at putting on my brave face, sucking it up, and working through whatever pain I have, and unless I tell you I have a migraine or I didn’t sleep well (again) or just plain feel like garbage that day, there’s no way you would ever know.  While I don’t mind anyone and everyone knowing about my health issues (it’s a good educational opportunity about invisible illnesses), I am always concerned I’ll be perceived as weak or frail if people know the full extent of it, especially as a female and especially as a female attorney (sorry guys, sexism still exists).  I’d rather work through things in pain or sick than deal with being called weak, unreliable, or deal with the anxiety of my work piling up.  Plus, there are always people around you who say they “get it” and say they are supportive and ask about your doctor visits and how you’re feeling.  Then, at the first opportunity they have, usually when it becomes inconvenient for them that you don’t feel well or their guard is down, they dig in at you, criticize you and try to tear you down.  I know plenty of those.

Newsflash to those people: you don’t get it.  You don’t live with it every second of every day.  And unless you do, you never WILL get it.  So know that, and either be supportive or hit the road.  I don’t have the time or energy for it.

I think that’s all for today.  I’ll explain my diagnoses further later, but I just wanted everyone to know a little about me.  To all my other chronic illness sufferers out there, be well.